“Were you right? Did he really do this? Did he keep us apart?” Finn asked.

  I stopped pacing and put my hands on my hips. “Look, all I know is that day after we… had that moment, your dad came round my house that night. I didn’t hear what was said, but afterwards mom and dad looked at me strangely. They were speaking in whispers and that was the first time they started speaking about moving. I don’t know what your dad said to them, but he can be a pretty intimidating guy. When I said that I wanted to write you letters mom acted as though it was a bad idea. I wasn’t sure why at first, but now I guess I know. She must have been relieved when I got no reply.”

  “I always thought you had forgotten about me. I thought that you had stopped caring,” Finn said. He lifted his gaze and our eyes met. So many years had passed. We had been boys, but now we were men. Even so it was impossible to forget the memories we had created together, to forget the friendship that had been present between us.

  “I could never forget about you Finn. You were my first kiss,” I said. The words lingered in the air between us. He had grown into a good looking guy. I wasn’t sure what he wanted out of this though, and I wasn’t going to press the issue. We both had a lot on our minds.

  “You’ve been my only kiss,” he said.

  “Wait, you’ve never…” I asked.

  He looked at me and flashed an embarrassed smile, shaking his head. It was starting to make sense now. “I guess it’s pretty hard to do that kind of thing with a dad like him,” I said.

  Finn sighed. “Yeah, it is. I had to keep it quiet for a long time. I buried it inside myself. But then recently, I don’t know… I was getting signals from this guy on the team and so I made a move. Took me all the courage I had. Turns out I was wrong. He told everyone else on the team, I got dropped because I was told they couldn’t trust me for keeping a secret from them, and then when I told my dad I wasn’t playing in the game I had to tell him why because he was about to raise hell for me.”

  “I can imagine how that conversation went,” I muttered.

  “Exactly. He wasn’t happy at all. Somehow, I think he believes I’ve betrayed him. I don’t get how the logic works in his mind,” Finn says.

  “That’s the thing; there never is any logic. They’re just scared. They’re all scared of us, as though we’re some kind of monsters.”

  “I don’t want to be a monster. I just want to be close to someone,” Finn said. I could hear the weight of emotion in his voice. It was no wonder he had seen me as the enemy before this.

  “You must have been so lonely,” I said.

  Finn nodded. “You were the only friend I’ve ever been close with. Football has been the only thing I’ve been good at, but I knew I could never be myself because of the jokes the guys made in the locker room. I know what kind of things they would have said, and I knew they would have felt self conscious about being in there with me after they knew. And then there was dad… I always hoped deep down that if I ever told him he would be able to put this weird hatred aside and just support me, that he would just be able to treat me like a son for once in his life. I guess he never wanted me to be my own person though. He only ever wanted me to be the man he wants me to be.”

  “Some people are like that. I got lucky with my folks. I think they knew from a young age what I was going to be like, and they never made me feel different for it.”

  “You were lucky,” Finn said. I couldn’t help but notice the tension in his voice. He kept his gaze away from me, as though if he was to look at me again then he would end up erupting with anger. I wanted to show him that he wasn’t entirely correct.

  “Sure, I was lucky in a lot of ways, but it’s not been as easy as you think. I know you see me up there dancing around and being all flamboyant, but that’s not the way things have always been, and it’s not easy to get a steady boyfriend either. I still have to deal with prejudice every damn day of my life, and there are nights when I have to cry myself to sleep because I don’t understand why the world has to be so damned hard for people like us.” Finn looked pensive as I spoke. He didn’t seem inclined to say anything else, so I continued speaking.

  “Let me tell you a story. When I was in high school I wanted to be on the football team too, but unlike you I wasn’t going to hide who I was. Everyone knew that I was different. At home I was allowed to be this way, so I figured there was no harm in being this way at high school either. But the football team was different. People kept telling me that I was going to throw like a girl, or that I couldn’t handle it. In tryouts I proved them wrong, but that still wasn’t good enough. When we got back in the locker room all of them pointed to the shower, telling me that I had to go in there myself because they weren’t going to have me perving over them. Then when I was inside, they all threw their soap at me. They laughed at me and insulted me and they made sure that I was never going to feel welcome there. They bullied me away and sure, I could have probably fought it, but I didn’t have the energy.

  So, I became a cheerleader instead. And I try and make the most of it, but it’s not what I always wanted to be. Every time I’m up there doing another cheer, I keep thinking about how I should be running out on the field and making a play. I just pretend like it doesn’t bother me because if you’re a part of the joke then sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad, but I’ve been up and down the country doing this and people aren’t kind anywhere you go. I have a few friends I can trust, but it definitely hasn’t been easy. Why do you think I wanted to get jacked in the first place? I had to learn to defend myself.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Finn said after a pause. His words were heavy. I sighed and sank on the couch beside him. I leaned forward and ran my hand through my hair.

  “It sucks for all of us Finn. It always has and it probably always will.”

  “It makes you wonder what the point in any of it is, doesn’t it?” Finn asked. I could hear the sense of despondency in his voice. It was a question I had asked myself many times over. He was at a point in his journey where he wasn’t necessarily ready to accept things as they were. He was still so young in that respect, having kept things a secret for this long.

  “There is no point, is there? We all just have to try and take what little happiness we can when we can. It’s why when we find someone who actually understands us… well… we have to try and make it count, don’t we?” I asked. There was a moment of silence that passed between us. I knew things were still tense between us. I didn’t know how far or how close he wanted to take things. We had been through a lot together and had shared so much, but did any of that really matter when we had spent a lifetime apart? I decided to test the waters.

  “I’m sorry that guy betrayed you. I know how hard it can be to put yourself out there.”

  “It doesn’t seem like it, considering you get to at least be with other people,” Finn said, remembering earlier when I had referenced having secret and brief flings with men.

  “You know it’s not all that great, right? I have to listen to my friends having deep and loving relationships when all I get is a fumble with someone who is too ashamed to accept who they are. I might have had experience Finn, but I haven’t had a relationship. I don’t know what it’s like to go out into the world and celebrate with someone. But I do know what it’s like to put yourself out there, to feel the fear that comes with the excitement. I had to do the same thing many years ago, when we were just boys.”

  Finn looked up at me. “You mean when we…” he said, trailing off. I nodded. “There are times when it feels like a dream. Sometimes it’s felt as though it never happened at all.”

  “It happened,” I reassured him. “It was my first kiss. Our first kiss. I know it never amounted to anything more, but that still makes it special.”

  “I thought you just did it to try something out. I thought we were playing.”

  “I guess I didn’t realize the significance of it, but I wasn’t playing. There was always something between us Finn, at least until your dad got in the way.”

  “I can’t believe he would do such a thing,” he said, leaning forward and placing his head in his hands. I was beginning to regret mentioning his father. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen between us, but I could feel there was something there, something that lingered from childhood. There was a bond between us that gave rise to intense feelings and maybe that was why we had held such resentment for each other. It was all a misunderstanding though. I couldn’t help but think about what my life could have been like if we had stayed in touch with each other, if we had been there to support each other and help each other through the minefield of high school. There were so many moments that had been robbed from us and I was beginning to think it was time for us to take some of them back.

  “I know,” I said, placing my hand on his back. “But that’s just the kind of man your father is, I’m afraid. I wish it wasn’t the case.”

  “I don’t know how I’m going to go back there. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him. How can I live in the same house as him after I’ve learned that he’s been treating me like this?” Finn asked.

  “I don’t know, but if you need a place to stay you can always crash here.”

  “I can?” he asked, looking around at me. There was a lock of hair that drooped down his forehead. It was alluring. His face was fresh, his eyes bright, and his lips looked smooth. My heart was inflamed by the sight of this man that I had known since I was a boy, and all the feelings of enmity between us just slipped away.

  “Of course you can,” I said, chuckling to myself. “I know things haven’t exactly gone to plan in our lives, but I’m not about to turn you away. I know how hard things can be. I know how lonely things can be. Sometimes all you need is for someone to reach out and remind you that you’re not alone,” I said, lowering my voice to a whisper. My hand ran down his back and along his arm, feeling the swell of the bicep. Desire surged within me as I felt his broad shoulders. My fingers ran along the bristling hairs of his forearm. I felt a lump in my throat. I knew what it was like in his position, how the fear and the excitement could mix together and become so overwhelming that it made you want to run away. I hoped that he would not flee though. I hoped it with everything I had.

  He turned slightly to face me. He did not make any attempt to take my hand away from him. He just had this mystified look on his face, as though he couldn’t quite believe that this was happening.

  “We gave each other our first kiss Finn, but now let me give you your first proper kiss,” I whispered, reaching up to cradle his head. I pulled him into me. I knew he was never going to make the first move. He had been scarred by his bad experience. I closed the distance between us and felt us blurring together. His breath was warm and sweet. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his. A hot, strong bolt of energy lanced through me and I felt as though I was on fire. He pulled his head away, gazing at me. His lips moved, but he uttered no sound. I smirked and then kissed him again. I went slow, moving my lips deeply. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, playing with his, tasting the warm depths of him. The more we kissed the more he got used to the sensations, and the more he relaxed. I ran my hand along his neck and down his chest. I felt the tautness of his muscles, and then it dropped deeper. His moans were sharp and low, grunting like an animal. I could feel the tension rippling around his body and I knew it would be bulging within him. I wanted to see how much he had really changed. My hand slipped down his stomach and ventured farther, eager to touch him, but he shivered and he gasped and then he uttered a word I did not want to hear.

  “Wait…”

  Chapter Eleven

  Finn

  I felt like a fool for pulling away. I know I should have just given myself over to the sensations and enjoyed everything that I had ever wanted, but the nerves bubbled inside me and I could not control them.

  “Wait,” I said, and pulled back. I could sense the disappointment and dismay within Liam.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “It’s just that I’m… I’m not used to this. I don’t know… these feelings… they’re all very overwhelming.”

  Liam grinned. “They’re meant to be,” he said. He might well have argued against everything being easy for him, but there were certainly some things that came far more naturally to him than they did to me.

  I nodded. “I get that, it’s just that this is all so new.”

  “And I get that,” Liam said, “but at some point you’re going to have to take the plunge, it might as well be with the guy who you had your first kiss with,” he said, and then he laughed. “Look, I’m not going to pressure you into anything because I know what a big deal this can be. Frankly I wish I had waited a little longer too, but it’s not going to get easier the longer you wait. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself in at the deep end. Have you never even been naked with anyone else before?”

  I shook my head, wishing that he hadn’t asked me because I hated admitting this stuff. Liam rose from the couch and I was afraid he was going to ask me to leave. I didn’t want that to happen, I just wanted to feel at ease.

  “So, I guess you’ve only ever been intimate with yourself. It’s a whole different ball game when another person is involved. I’m happy to take it slow with you Finn, but I still want to keep moving,” as he said this he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside, displaying his taut muscles. My gaze roved over his body. His skin was smooth and tense, with a slight tan. There was a cluster of freckles near his hip. He caught me looking and I guess he thought I was looking at something else down there. He grinned and peeled away his pants. I wondered how it could be so easy for him to flaunt himself like this. I wished I had his confidence and his poise. Even now I could feel myself tensing up, but that didn’t stop me from looking.

  He pulled his pants down and was standing in athletic underwear, tight things that wrapped around his waist and clutched everything together, although at this moment it looked as though things were going to explode. There was a fine line of hair that ran down from his navel towards a widening shadow of hair, which became visible as he peeled his underwear away. I felt as though I should have told him to stop, but the words never made it beyond my throat. His underwear fell down his legs and he kicked them away. He turned, showing me his taut ass and his long back. I could barely believe he was standing in front of me. I was still too nervous to touch. He took my trembling hand and lifted it to his body. The moment my fingertips touched his skin I felt as though I was being scorched. His skin was so smooth. Heat radiated from him. He dragged my fingertips along his skin, but my gaze was focused on his erection. He must have been turned on by performing this whole show for me. He was long and thick. The tip stared at me and I was filled with an innate need to touch it and kiss it. It felt as though it was everything I ever wanted and more, and he was standing right in front of me, offering it to me. How could I possibly turn it down? How could I possibly be a coward and run from him?

  “Would you like to touch it?” he asked, noticing how I was staring at it rather than him. I nodded. He took my hand along his waist. I felt the hair on his skin, and I could feel the air shimmering with heat. A lump formed in my throat as my hands brushed against the hardness. I blinked and my breathing deepened. He let go of my hand then, seemingly trusting me to feel my own way. I caressed his shaft, bringing my fingers all the way around the circumference. I felt my way along the rivers of veins that wrapped around him and gave this thing life. He shivered when I felt his tip. I then wrapped my fingers around him and held him tightly, stroking back and forth, just as I did when I was by myself. I had seen other things on the Internet, things that I wanted to try. I wasn’t brave enough to do that yet though. I just wanted to feel him.

  He murmured his delight and arched his neck back.

  “That feels so good,” he said, and a wide smiled adorned his face. His lean and sculpted body was standing in front of me, towering in all its glory, and my hands were touching him, touching another man! Suddenly it wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be. My hands and wrists moved slowly, massaging him. “If you want to try using your mouth you can,” he said.

  I licked my lips and then swallowed my nerves. I hoped that I was good enough for him. I leaned forward. When I inhaled, all of my senses were stimulated by his scent. It was as though I was being filled with him. He stepped forward. My hand ran down to the base of his shaft and then I reached up with my mouth. I closed my eyes as I touched him with my lips. My tongue flicked out. I enjoyed the taste of him, and whatever happened next came naturally to me. I opened my mouth wider and took him deeper, sliding my head up and down his erection just as I had with my hands. I again went slow, coating him in my saliva, whirling my tongue around. He seemed to like this. His hand cradled my head, his fingers ran through my hair. The air was filled with his terse moans that grew deeper and deeper. I followed the tone of them because they guided me into knowing what he liked. I opened my eyes as I took him as far back as I could, feeling his warmth scorching the inside of my mouth. I gasped and he smiled and cried out “Yes, YES!”

  I sucked him hard and tasted all of him. I fell into the rhythm of pleasuring him and in that moment I didn’t want to do anything else. It felt as though I was made for this.

  “Do you want to know what it feels like to make a man come?” he asked. I could barely hear him over the cacophony that was sizzling within my mind, but I did want that. I wanted it very much. He widened his stance and braced himself, tensing his muscles. His skin was flushed with arousal and I knew what was coming, but I had no idea how it was going to feel. All I knew is that I was going to suck him dry. I felt the tremors in his body and I heard the rising, raging moans, and then I felt him in my mouth. There was a shudder, a quake, and then this pulsing sensation as this warm, cloying liquid swam over my tongue and trickled down my mouth. It was hot and lustful and I kept my lips wrapped around him as he came, determined to keep every drop.

 

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